I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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