Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
