a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
