I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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