Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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