Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
