if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize