Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
