A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
