I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
