So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
