Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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