I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Never let your siblings swipe right.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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