I looked at my own cervix.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
