Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
