I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
