Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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