We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
