Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
