Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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