It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
