That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
