So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
