Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
