i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
