God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
