I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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