My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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