I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I am one with the molecules
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
