love makes seman taste better
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
