I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
