The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
