our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We smell like vodka and hangover
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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