You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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