you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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