i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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