My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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