apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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