I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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