So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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