the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
