I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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