dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
