I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
