I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
