I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
