Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
why do cheetos always look like penises
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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