I am puke
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
