thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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