Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
