dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
