Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
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