My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
