He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's the barista slut.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
