haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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