apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
