fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
