He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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